The Nonsense Cafe

Where tall tales, real and imagined, absurd and compelling, are served with a smile

Category Archives: I Should Have Been A(n)…

I Should Have Been A…Blimp Pilot

Everyday would be a day of discovery had a different path been taken…

Alt-Life as a Blimp Pilot

Starting Jangle: about $25,000 (but it’s really not about the money)

Jangle high: $70K +

Demand: low as of this writing; however…the price of gas will play a role. When suddenly you find yourself paying in excess of $200 to gas up your swagger wagon, you’re going to make a change. And forget public transportation (unless you’re a square or you live in Manhattan). The future is in personal blimp-craft. I’ve always said that most major metro highway systems have long since been rendered inadequate because they never thought to go up in construction. Well it doesn’t get much more “up” than floating to work in an oblong gas bag. Parking is also no longer a problem. You just throw a rope out the window with a couple of dumbbells tied to the end of it and shimmy on down to your destination. Don’t ask me how you get back in. This is the future we’re talking about, after all.

En español:  piloto de dirigible pequeño

The Basics: You fly the blimp and do your best not to drift out to sea or into forests where it is really hard to land your blimp. If you’re an enterprising sort, you rent out your ample blimp-flank to advertisers and silly people that want you to fly in front of them and their spouses displaying a personal message like, Johnny, I’m Pregnant With Another Man’s Triplets. Easy there, Johnny. The blimp is just the messenger.

The Future: That has already been touched upon above though it is almost a certainty that one day blimps will come with horns and sliding doors on both sides that open at the touch of a button. Pile in, little blimpers!  No sharp objects, please.

Upside: Naturally, you’re going to have the best seats at any event (except those that occur indoors). You also eliminate the need for air mattresses during the full-house holidays. The in-laws can sleep on top of the blimp (with tethers, of course).

Downside: People are sometimes said to take on the physical characteristics of their cars (or is that their dogs?). In a car-less world, it stands to reason that the blimp becomes the physical paradigm. Too many of us already look like blimps.

Offshoots: airborne Mardi Gras bead-tosser; airborne fashion critic – Hey! Nice pants, Chachi!  Yeah?  Whattaya gonna do about it?  I’m in a freakin’ blimp!  Burn.

If I were a blimp pilot, where would I be right now? Hovering over the Jersey Shore house on Snooki-watch.  Fist pump!


I Should Have Been A(n)…Agronomist

It is always a worthwhile exercise to ponder different paths taken.

Alt-Life as an Agronomist  

Avg. Cheddar:  Just south of $50K

Cheddar High End:  $120K+

Demand:  High, due to population growth (if you have more than 4 kids you owe it to society to force one of them to become an agronomist – the others should have to battle for their dinner)

En (not really) Francais:  désherber l’extracteur (weed puller)

The Basics:  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to grow more crops for global consumption. To accomplish this, you will know a lot about ecology, genetics, earth science, mixed martial arts, biology, and chemistry. In terms of where the rubber meets the road, your core competencies involve crop rotation, pest control, soil fertility, the Paso Doble, and plant breeding.

The Future:  You will help to develop new age energy production models based upon advanced biotechnologies. Think biofuel from algal oil.

Upside:  A la Homer Simpson’s quest to crossbreed tobacco with tomatoes (via a plutonium infusion), yielding “tomacco,” you will have free rein to let the mad scientist within out of his or her cage. The author calls dibs on a pumpkin/onion cross: Behold the oniumpkin

Downside:  It would seem that you’re dirty a lot.

Offshoots:  Golf Course Landscaping and/or painfully boring conversationalist

If I were an agronomist, where would I be right now?  A field in southwest Iowa, wishing I was doing something else, anywhere else.

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