The Nonsense Cafe

Where tall tales, real and imagined, absurd and compelling, are served with a smile

Category Archives: Theory: Conspiracy

My Therapist is a Kangaroo Wearing a ShamWow Suit

Taken at face value, individual headlines tell a singular story.  Connecting the obvious dots amongst multiple headlines often tells a far more intriguing tale…

Headlines

  • ShamWow Pitchman’s Former Assistant Sues for “Bizarre and Inappropriate” Behavior (NY Post)
  • Unleashed: Oklahoma Woman Fights to Keep Her Therapy Kangaroo  (LA Times)
  • Children Injured After Bounce House Goes Airborne  (Denver Post)
  • Naked Man Runs Down 405 Freeway in West LA (KTLA)
  • Crews Remove Huge Boulders Along Colorado Highway (Denver Post)
  • Fake Massage Parlor Inspector Demands Rubdown (Denver Post)
  • Hays: Kentucky Softball Exceeds Expectations (ESPN)

 

To me, this is all related (naturally)

Breaking: A former assistant to notorious ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi has sued the slinger of the velvety rag-mop citing “bizarre and inappropriate” behavior.  The charges filed by the Oklahoma woman contend that circumstances reached the tipping point at ShamWow StudiWows when the pitchman challenged her to a fist fight.  At stake: the claimant’s four-foot tall therapy kangaroo, Sigmund.  According to insiders, Shlomi had plans for a ShamWow-esque full body suit, made from the supple roo-pelt of Sigmund, which he would then don at his monthly Hollywood Hills freak-fests.  The insightful marsupial is quoted as saying, “I hop therefore I am,” before climbing into a children’s party bounce house and sending it airborne with his aggressive style. When asked by bruised and battered children why he would do such a thing, Sigmund the therapy kangaroo in typical fashion replied, “Why do you think such a thing would be possible for me to do in the first place?” confusing all in attendance.  One onlooker was so perplexed by the profundity of the statement that he proceeded to remove all of his clothes before taking off at a run, heading south on the 405 freeway in West LA.  In the spirit of Forrest Gump, the nude roo-runner kept those crazy legs a-pumping, ultimately finding himself on a highway in Colorado where he was tragically killed by huge boulders falling onto the road from above.  Those huge boulders would later be moved and repurposed – one for use in a softball game in Kentucky where one player was overheard declaring, “We’re gonna need a bigger bat.”

In related news, a local man entered an upscale massage parlor claiming to be a massage parlor inspector, of all things.  Flashing his “credentials” (an expired Disneyland season pass with his photo on it), he demanded a thorough rubdown, blackmailing a parlor attendant under threat of a failed inspection.  The dubious masseuse, already put off by the “inspector’s” frenetic energy and whiny voice, fled the room and called police when the would-be con artist insisted that he be rubbed down with this:

 

 

Carson Palmer is Inside a Seal

Taken at face value, individual headlines tell a singular story.  Connecting the obvious dots amongst multiple headlines often tells a far more intriguing tale…

Headlines

  • Report: Palmer Still Wants Off Bengals (ESPN.com)
  • Charlie Sheen on ‘Today’: “At this point, I do not know where my children are.” (Entertainment Weekly)
  • Texas Officials Warn Students Not to Travel to Mexico for Spring Break (Fox News)
  • Thieves in $3 million Burglary Highly Skilled, Police Say (LA Times)
  • Newborn Seal Found on Long Island Dies From Infection (NY Post)

 

Hmmm…  The truth is plain as day. 

Breaking News:  Charlie Sheen’s children have gone to Mexico despite the repeated warnings of Texas officials. Upon arrival, they discovered a moustachioed Carson Palmer wearing a sombrero and hiding out in a beachside bar drinking copious amounts of tequila and bemoaning the prospect of a return to the Cincinnati Bengals. Understanding the stifling nature of being trapped in an impossibly dysfunctional situation and wanting to help, the children Sheen used their innate penchant for hijinks and highly-polished thieving skills to steal $3 million worth of baby seals from a nearby lagoon. One of these seals they cut open, stuffing a scruffy Palmer within for a stealth journey up the coast to New York City where he planned to emerge and inform a mopey Eli Manning that you haven’t truly moped until you’ve played for the Bengals. Trouble struck along the way, however, as a stowaway tortilla chip in Mr. Palmer’s beard appears to have come loose and lodged itself in the newborn seal’s lung wall. An infection ensued forcing the would be Bengal-smuggler to prematurely beach itself near Montauk, Long Island. The exhausted but adorable seal would later succumb to the infection. Carson Palmer has yet to be found.  The Sheen spawn have sought asylum at Casa (Uncle) Estevez where they are considering joining up with the Regulators in a battle against the Murphy Men.

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