Carson Palmer is Inside a Seal

Taken at face value, individual headlines tell a singular story.  Connecting the obvious dots amongst multiple headlines often tells a far more intriguing tale…

Headlines

• Report: Palmer Still Wants Off Bengals (ESPN.com)
• Charlie Sheen on ‘Today’: “At this point, I do not know where my children are.” (Entertainment Weekly)
• Texas Officials Warn Students Not to Travel to Mexico for Spring Break (Fox News)
• Thieves in $3 million Burglary Highly Skilled, Police Say (LA Times)
• Newborn Seal Found on Long Island Dies From Infection (NY Post)

 

Hmmm…  The truth is plain as day. 

Breaking News:  Charlie Sheen’s children have gone to Mexico despite the repeated warnings of Texas officials. Upon arrival, they discovered a moustachioed Carson Palmer wearing a sombrero and hiding out in a beachside bar drinking copious amounts of tequila and bemoaning the prospect of a return to the Cincinnati Bengals. Understanding the stifling nature of being trapped in an impossibly dysfunctional situation and wanting to help, the children Sheen used their innate penchant for hijinks and highly-polished thieving skills to steal $3 million worth of baby seals from a nearby lagoon. One of these seals they cut open, stuffing a scruffy Palmer within for a stealth journey up the coast to New York City where he planned to emerge and inform a mopey Eli Manning that you haven’t truly moped until you’ve played for the Bengals. Trouble struck along the way, however, as a stowaway tortilla chip in Mr. Palmer’s beard appears to have come loose and lodged itself in the newborn seal’s lung wall. An infection ensued forcing the would be Bengal-smuggler to prematurely beach itself near Montauk, Long Island. The exhausted but adorable seal would later succumb to the infection. Carson Palmer has yet to be found.  The Sheen spawn have sought asylum at Casa (Uncle) Estevez where they are considering joining up with the Regulators in a battle against the Murphy Men.

I Should Have Been A(n)…Agronomist

It is always a worthwhile exercise to ponder different paths taken.

Alt-Life as an Agronomist  

Avg. Cheddar:  Just south of $50K

Cheddar High End:  $120K+

Demand:  High, due to population growth (if you have more than 4 kids you owe it to society to force one of them to become an agronomist – the others should have to battle for their dinner)

En (not really) Francais:  désherber l’extracteur (weed puller)

The Basics:  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to grow more crops for global consumption. To accomplish this, you will know a lot about ecology, genetics, earth science, mixed martial arts, biology, and chemistry. In terms of where the rubber meets the road, your core competencies involve crop rotation, pest control, soil fertility, the Paso Doble, and plant breeding.

The Future:  You will help to develop new age energy production models based upon advanced biotechnologies. Think biofuel from algal oil.

Upside:  A la Homer Simpson’s quest to crossbreed tobacco with tomatoes (via a plutonium infusion), yielding “tomacco,” you will have free rein to let the mad scientist within out of his or her cage. The author calls dibs on a pumpkin/onion cross: Behold the oniumpkin. 

Downside:  It would seem that you’re dirty a lot.

Offshoots:  Golf Course Landscaping and/or painfully boring conversationalist

If I were an agronomist, where would I be right now?  A field in southwest Iowa, wishing I was doing something else, anywhere else.